I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
