well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
