I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am available for nakedness
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
