I want to walk on stilts...naked
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
