after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
