I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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