I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
