I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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