I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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