you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
