I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
