the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
