oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
