wakey wakey hands off snakey
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
