I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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