The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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