I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
