3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
