No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
