Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My pussy is not your playground.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
