i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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