Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
