Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
