fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i out mim tonsoeep
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