the condom got lost in my hair
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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