An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
