OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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