we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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