I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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