So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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