Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
