Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
