watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
