when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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