You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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