all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
