Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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