Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
