My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
