Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
