yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
