remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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