dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
