i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
