I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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