new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
