i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
