I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
