birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Actions speak louder than pants.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
