one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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